Kamp ironiK

by Greg Blanchette, Tofino

Peak oil? Global warming? Species extinction? Fugged-aboudit! You don't come to Tofino to think about that stuff. You come for the pure, clean enjoyment of Nature. And now there's finally a place that understands this: Kamp ironiK, Clayoquot Sound's newest adventure destination resort. Ten days at our exclusive retreat, created specially for the discerning, high-end visitor to our beautiful region, will take you back 30 years, to the glory days of guilt-free holiday pleasure! At Kamp ironiK, we guarantee it!

At last, the wilderness experience you want -- not the watered-down version the Suzukis of the world want you to have. At Kamp ironiK, everything goes. Bring along your dogs and let them run wild on our pristine, private beach (specially trained shorebird pursuit terriers available to the dogless).

Rip up the backcountry in our jet-black Hummers, en route to one of our remote wilderness mountain camps. After a barbequed feast of bear steak and endangered salmon, you'll cozy up around flaming barrels of two-cycle outboard fuel, drinking single malt scotch and reminiscing about the days of big-fin, V-8 Caddys drag racing on Long Beach.

After that... sleep on the ground? We don't think so! Retire to Kamp ironiK's on-site, 60-foot, luxury eco-RVs to watch wide-screen documentaries in the comfort of your own home-away-from-home. Nature the way it was meant to be enjoyed, at least by those with the sense and the status to realize it.

Whale "watching," you say? That's so hoi polloi -- everybody's doing it. Kamp ironiK's high-speed military pursuit craft will bring you close enough to not just watch the whales, you'll be able to touch them. Our luxury vessels have the horsepower to outmaneuver any sea creature, and our experienced guides have the expertise (and the depth charges, if necessary!) to coax anything short of a nuclear sub to the surface for your viewing pleasure.

But that's not all! For the ultimate in exciting whale adventure, at Kamp ironiK you can hop right on and ride the whale! Yee-haw! How many of your boardroom buddies can say they've done that? And even if you don't have the nerve, our on-staff Photoshop experts will make it look like you had the ride of your life... to the envy of all back home.

Say, ever had a hankerin' to kill something really big? C'mon, we know you have! Now you don't have to do it from the office with cold, calculating business decisions. At Kamp ironiK you can jump right in and get your hands dirty.

Under the careful supervision of our lifetime loggers, you'll fire up your chainsaw and rip into a giant cedar that was a sapling during the Middle Ages. You'll feel the earth move as that mother hits the ground, and you'll know in your heart you're one of God's chosen people.

There are not many of these giant trees left, and Kamp ironiK's exclusive, old-growth logging adventure will make you one of the last people in all of history to bring one down. Think of the bragging rights!

Over six years in the making, Kamp ironiK is based on scientific market research into the future trends of high-end eco-tourism. We looked long and hard at what the movers and shakers of our world really want -- and then we built it. The result? Kamp ironiK's exclusive, 40,000-square-foot Eco-Lodge, situated in a pristine Clayoquot Sound valley acquired from the province after years of backroom deals and political handouts. (Like we have to tell you how land use on the West Coast works!)

Best of all? No bleeding-heart animal lovers or tree-huggers anywhere in sight to sully your wilderness experience by droning on about resource use or community values (yawn). In fact, if any misguided enviros do happen to slip through our extensive security net of cameras and motion detectors, those guests with a yen for big-game hunting may have a special treat in store!

You've worked hard, now it's time to play hard. And you deserve it: the ultimate wilderness experience, available no-where else. Kamp ironiK -- ten days you'll want to have your secretary write home about. Because eco-tourism is not about plants and animals anymore, baby. It's about you!

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Greg Blanchette is a tad disappointed at the direction tourism and development are taking on the West Coast. You can console him with offers of free stuff at aimless_1@fastmail.fm.