Sasquatch Skull baffles Scientists!
by George Patterson, Tofino
April 1st, 2005 (yes indeed, April Fools issue 2005)
The Tofino Botanical Gardens (TBG) Institute of Parallel Paleontology has made a major discovery at an undisclosed site within the Tofino Mudflats Wildlife Management Area. Fragments of a large “hominid-like” skull have been excavated during a three year, highly secretive project conducted by world renowned parallel paleontologist Professor I. M. Mendacious of the University of Luridistan.“This is tremendously exciting,” says Professor Mendacious. “We have recovered and restored approximately 70% of the fragments of the skull, more than enough for a complete forensic reconstruction. Our physical anthropologiststs are working on this reconstruction at our laboratory and feel confident it will be ready for the April 1st unveiling at Tofino Botanical Gardens.”
The skull fragments were found in a sedimentary deposit of the late Miocene to early Pliocene epoch, exactly when the first hominids begin to appear. “The skull we have reconstructed is, shall we say, very large; larger than any hominid or ape discovered to date. The brain cavity is correspondingly large. The creature carrying this head around was two to three times our size and possibly six times more intelligent!” says Professor Mendacious.The shape of the skull allows us to offer a few tentative speculations on the cognitive faculties of what we are calling Giganta-pithecus tofinianum or “gt”, for short. Reverse mold shadowing techniques have allowed us to determine that gt’s brain is not only larger but qualitatively more advanced than our own. The cerebral cortex is proportionately larger than ours, and the area of convoluted cortex is about four times as large. This indicates tremendous capacity for complex reasoning, well beyond our own and memory capacity equivalent to a Kray supercomputer. The first question that comes to mind is “If you were so smart, why are you extinct?” Additional questions might be “Are you really extinct? Did you just pack up and leave? Does high intelligence result in diminished survival capacity? Do you watch hockey?”
Professors Mendacious also adds “I do not exaggerate when I say that this is the single most important discovery in Parallel Paleontology since man began thinking about his origins. The contributions made by Leakey’s magnificent work at Olduvai Gorge in East Africa, Zalacain’s well known discoveries on the Baja Peninsula, and the Field Museum’s Chinese expeditions pale before what has been found here. The existence of this skull will change the way we Homo sapiens see ourselves”.
“While we recognize that there are possible connections between this discovery and the kind of large hominid referred to locally as Sasquatch, the Institute is doing all that it can to avoid sensationalizing this find. We are concerned that Sasquatch “researchers” will immediately jump to conclusions that our discovery in some way lends credence to some of their more spurious claims” says Professor Mendacious.It is TBG’s policy to neither confirm nor deny that several large hominid-like creatures were sighted by credible, trained biologists during the Mudflats Expedition of 2004-2005. “This is Tofino. It is very likely that what the observers really saw was a man dressed in shaggy fur, on stilts, playing a didgideroo, cross-country skiing across the mudflats in the fog,” says Elvin Whitewash of the Supernatural BC Ministry of Prevarication.
TBG’s Director, George Patterson, concluded with a few cautionary remarks. “ These are some remarkable discoveries but it must be understood that mainstream Science has always had difficulties with the work of Parallel Science. I urge the community to be calm. Report any sightings of large hominids to the By-Law Enforcement Officer, but first confirm you are not looking at Chris Taylor or Adam Buskard. Do not approach the creature under any circumstances. The Raincoast Education Society is preparing a set of workshops on “Living With Other Hominids in Clayoquot Sound”. Above all, remember that most of these sightings of Gigantapithecus tofinianum, which we neither confirm nor deny, have been recorded from the Bird Blind right here at tbg. The sudden increase in sightings may be related to the opening of SoBo’s at the Garden. Annual membership is a mere $15.”
Tofino Botanical Garden’s Institute of Parallel Studies is dedicated to research in many fields of human knowledge that is, at once, irrelevant, highly peculiar and mostly imaginary. Its work should not be confused with that of the Tofino Botanical Gardens Foundation which is conducted by actual people.
This article ran in TofinoTime Magazine in April 2005, as part of our annual April Fools issue, promoting the unveiling of the sculpture my George Rammel you see below. Our apologies to cryptozoologists all over the universe...
Read Adrian Dorst's piece on Sasquatch sightings from October of the same year for a more serious article.
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Tofino Bigfood Research: Sasquatch skull unveiling at the Tofino Botanical Gardens. An April fools article from Tofino Time Magazine from April 2005.
