Sasquatch Skull baffles Scientists!
by George Patterson, Tofino
April 1st, 2005 (yes indeed, April Fools issue 2005)
The Tofino Botanical Gardens (TBG) Institute of Parallel Paleontology
has made a major discovery at an undisclosed site within the Tofino
Mudflats Wildlife Management Area. Fragments of a large “hominid-like” skull
have been excavated during a three year, highly secretive project conducted
by world renowned parallel paleontologist Professor I. M. Mendacious
of the University of Luridistan.
“This is tremendously exciting,” says Professor Mendacious. “We
have recovered and restored approximately 70% of the fragments of the
skull, more than enough for a complete forensic reconstruction. Our
physical anthropologiststs are working on this reconstruction at our
laboratory and feel confident it will be ready for the April 1st unveiling
at Tofino Botanical Gardens.”
The skull fragments were found in a sedimentary deposit of the late
Miocene to early Pliocene epoch, exactly when the first hominids
begin to appear. “The skull we have reconstructed is, shall we say,
very large; larger than any hominid or ape discovered to date. The
brain cavity is correspondingly large. The creature carrying this head
around was two to three times our size and possibly six times more
intelligent!” says Professor Mendacious.
The shape of the skull allows us to offer a few tentative speculations
on the cognitive faculties of what we are calling Giganta-pithecus
tofinianum or “gt”, for short. Reverse mold shadowing techniques
have allowed us to determine that gt’s brain is not only larger
but qualitatively more advanced than our own. The cerebral cortex is
proportionately larger than ours, and the area of convoluted cortex
is about four times as large. This indicates tremendous capacity for
complex reasoning, well beyond our own and memory capacity equivalent
to a Kray supercomputer. The first question that comes to mind is “If
you were so smart, why are you extinct?” Additional questions
might be “Are you really extinct? Did you just pack up and leave?
Does high intelligence result in diminished survival capacity? Do you
Professors Mendacious also adds “I do not exaggerate when I say
that this is the single most important discovery in Parallel Paleontology
since man began thinking about his origins. The contributions made
by Leakey’s magnificent work at Olduvai Gorge in East Africa,
Zalacain’s well known discoveries on the Baja Peninsula, and
the Field Museum’s Chinese expeditions pale before what has been
found here. The existence of this skull will change the way we Homo
sapiens see ourselves”.
“While we recognize that there are possible connections between
this discovery and the kind of large hominid referred to locally as
Sasquatch, the Institute is doing all that it can to avoid sensationalizing
this find. We are concerned that Sasquatch “researchers” will
immediately jump to conclusions that our discovery in some way lends
credence to some of their more spurious claims” says Professor
It is TBG’s policy to neither confirm nor deny
that several large hominid-like creatures were sighted by credible,
trained biologists during the Mudflats Expedition of 2004-2005. “This
is Tofino. It is very likely that what the observers really saw was
a man dressed in shaggy fur, on stilts, playing a didgideroo, cross-country
skiing across the mudflats in the fog,” says Elvin Whitewash
of the Supernatural BC Ministry of Prevarication.
TBG’s Director, George Patterson, concluded with a few cautionary
remarks. “ These are some remarkable discoveries but it must
be understood that mainstream Science has always had difficulties with
the work of Parallel Science. I urge the community to be calm. Report
any sightings of large hominids to the By-Law Enforcement Officer,
but first confirm you are not looking at Chris Taylor or Adam Buskard.
Do not approach the creature under any circumstances. The Raincoast
Education Society is preparing a set of workshops on “Living
With Other Hominids in Clayoquot Sound”. Above all, remember
that most of these sightings of Gigantapithecus tofinianum, which we
neither confirm nor deny, have been recorded from the Bird Blind right
here at tbg. The sudden increase in sightings may be related to the
opening of SoBo’s at the Garden. Annual membership is a mere
Tofino Botanical Garden’s Institute of Parallel Studies is dedicated
to research in many fields of human knowledge that is, at once, irrelevant,
highly peculiar and mostly imaginary. Its work should not be confused
with that of the Tofino Botanical Gardens Foundation which is conducted
by actual people.
This article ran in TofinoTime Magazine in April 2005, as part of our annual April Fools issue, promoting the unveiling of the sculpture my George Rammel you see below. Our apologies to cryptozoologists all over the universe...
Read Adrian Dorst's piece on Sasquatch sightings from October of the same year for a more serious article.